How NOT to Write Fan Fiction
by Seraphine Starchaser
Summary: 200 Classic mistakes & how to avoid them-a misstep-by-misstep guide! Original work by Howard Mittlemark & Sandra Newman; 17 U.S.C. § 107 : US Code - Section 107: Limitations on exclusive rights: Fair use. Just using their book as a guideline for this work. Let the hilarity (and learning!) ensue!


**How NOT to Write Fanfiction**

**Chapter One: Save Me From Myself.**

_"Jesus didn't have to go through half of the pain I'm experiencing now. At least he knew he was special. I have no such assurances. I'm just another outbreak of the human virus which has contaminated Planet Earth."_

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><p>Naruto sighed as he trudged his way to the bridge, not excited to go on a mission for once. The villagers had egged his house and thrown rocks through his windows. They even tried to get some of the ninjas to use their elemental jutsus to otherwise destroy his house. Naruto couldn't understand why the villagers hated him. They said rather nasty things to him and avoided him like he was diseased. Now, their snide comments and hateful glares had taken a backseat to chuckles and pointing as they felt rather proud of their destructive activities and didn't try to hide it.<p>

He truly had no clue what he ever did to deserve their attitude, and now he had them vandalizing his house! How could they do that to a kid? It's not like he ever hurt anyone or their property. And even if he did (but he's not saying he did), he's a kid. Playing pranks like painting crude, caveman-like drawings on the beloved faces of the village's leaders wasn't that over the top. Nor was his constant use of his special jutsu. It's not like he ever led anyone on; he only used his naked, well-developed female form to get what he needed. All he had to do was jiggle around in place and pout for a bit and the person would get a nosebleed, enabling him to steal whatever it was the pervert had refused him.

Truthfully, he really didn't know why everyone hated him. Even though the Hokage was nice to him, he never thought of telling his problems to the old man. It's not like the Hokage could do anything about it anyway.

So he had sat there all last night, staying awake in case he had to flee from flames, floods, electrocution, flying rocks, or fierce wind. It's not like he could go anywhere else. Therefore, this morning Naruto was tired and feeling confused, sad, and a tiny bit angry.

His feelings intensified when he saw his two teammates at the aforementioned bridge. Sakura was trying to squeeze Sasuke's arm with her pre-pubescent chest that was more flat than blossoming. Her hair was unflatteringly pulled back to show her large, shiny forehead. Naruto suddenly thought that she would look better with bangs but did not voice his opinion. She was the ugliest girl in class, to be quite frank, and when she became desperate for affection in her adulthood, she would remember that Naruto had always liked her.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was doing his best to resemble a hunch-backed statue, and even had a few pigeons roosting on his person. They cooed softly to one another.

Naruto walked up to the pair with his shuffling gait. He didn't say anything to them. He wanted to see if they would say something to him first. When they just ignored him (with Sasuke, though, it was hard to tell because he didn't even flinch when one of the pigeons relieved itself on his shirt) he felt an overwhelming sadness. Naruto wanted them to say something, even if it was just in his general direction. Still, nothing.

Naruto sighed and resigned himself to wait for the mandatory three hours before their team's teacher would show up. Sakura shot him a glare, daring him to take another noisy breath.

No one cared about him. Why? What did he do to deserve this? Kakashi was probably always late because he didn't want to deal with Naruto more than he had to. The blonde boy pouted and shuffled his feet, lost in his thoughts. He wanted to jump off the bridge all of a sudden. He wanted to cut himself, to see how long he would bleed for some weird reason. He healed really fast. Plus, he never got sick. Except for diarrhea. Oh god, the diarrhea!

Kakashi didn't show up three hours later, which was unusual. The gray-haired man liked to be consistent with his lateness. Again, the thought that Kakashi didn't want to be around him flooded his brain and his serotonin levels dropped drastically and his neuron receptors nearly shriveled at the loss. If someone who was paid to teach a few hours a day and not show up at the usual late hour, then he really must be hated. No one liked Naruto.

Tears started pouring down his face and mucus dripped from his nose. He turned away from the breathing statue and the pink hermaphrodite to face the edge of the bridge. The two continued to ignore him even as he got up on the bridge's ledge and looked down into the calm waters below. He knew the river led to a very large waterfall, so if he wanted… he could…

And then he was in the water. His saline tears mixed with the relatively fresh water and he floated on his back, thinking he may as well enjoy the ride. Suddenly, he heard a splash and then another one and looked behind him. Sasuke was nearing him, not even swimming (rather, he was floating vertically), but Sakura was floundering. She was trying to doggy-paddle her way to Sasuke but her long hair kept weighing her down. She started shrieking for help but the water when to her mouth, effecting silencing her. Forever.

Sasuke drew level with Naruto, not saying anything. Naruto shrugged and nearly drowned himself in shock when Sasuke suddenly grunted out that he was trying to get rid of their (former) teammate, and he also wanted to get the bird shit off of his shirt. He figured he could kill two birds with one stone, but he ended up only strangling one as there weren't any rocks nearby and the other pigeons flew away. Then he wanted to get his shirt clean and decided that jumping in the river seemed like the logical thing to do.

All of this was communicated to Naruto via monosyllabic grunts, growls and this a weird purring noise. But it was completely understandable.

As they neared the rapids indicating that they were getting closer to the waterfall, Sasuke floated farther away from Naruto because he said that he couldn't lose to a dead-last. Or something along those lines.

His smug smirk was the last thing Naruto saw before Sasuke fell down the waterfall.

Naruto cried. He was all alone and no one liked him. No one would save him now. He only wished he could have communicated his feelings somehow, maybe through poetry, as a reminder to others of his stay on earth. Something about how no one understood him as he stood alone in the darkness and somehow cried crimson tears of blood and suffering, even though he never cried anything like that. He didn't even know what 'crimson' meant, but he thought it sounded nice.

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><p>Kakashi had finished his doctor's appointment and picked up the medication for a certain problem he had been wondering about. He wanted to scratch at said problem, but someone might think he was fondling in public. He never did that- he only read porn. Due to this, he was later than usual and he didn't like it but he saw no need to rush to his motley crew of students.<p>

When he got to the bridge he had them wait at, he saw none of his students were there. He waited for hours but they never showed.

_No one likes me,_ Kakashi thought. He turned to the bridge…

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><p>First things first:<p>

I don't own Naruto or the quote; depression, suicide, etc. are not funny. It's sad and I'm not making fun of those who suffer from depression. Don't take this the wrong way; and I wrote this to help people. Partly. Mostly I just wanted to make fun of them. If you take anything from this, take the following:

I understand that everyone has varying levels of English composition knowledge but that is not always the issue here. This is creative writing. Here's a statement: everyone can write. No, not everyone can, but people who have gone to school generally can write. Can they write well?

Myth: anyone can be a creative writer! Nope. If this were on MythBusters, they would want to pull out their hair and scratch their bleeding eyes out. Quite frankly, it takes a lot of work to write anything good. NO ONE writes well at first. Also, as a disclaimer: I'm not perfect, either.

I don't care who you are, but everyone, even authors, still do writing exercises to keep their creative juices at an adequate level. It's like exercising- when you have exercised for a while and consistently, your body is in better shape. But you need to keep it up or your body will lose that health it had gained.


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